BLEAGH BLEAGH BLEAGH. i'm upset now. really upset.


it's a pity i'm so depressed now, i'm tearing like shit. my eyes are so blurry i can't even see what i'm typing. i'm breaking down, and i dunno how i'm gonna get up again.it's unfair what you're doing to me now. so totally unfair! life is so freaking unfair. it was GREAT in the morning and afternoon, and especially on the ride home with nat, hazel and jane. they made me high, they made me happy, they made me laugh, as though such a thing as sadness doesn't exist in this world. nat drew a smiley face on my thumb. and as i reached home, everything just stopped and turned upside down. the smile on my thumb is gone now, as though my happiness was washed away by water.


you have no idea how much i cried in the toilet. i looked at myself in the mirror and i went "omg nadiah you suck sooooooo much!" yes, i know we were talking about self-esteem and learning to love yourself for who you are during cme. and i'm afraid i dun have that. my self-esteem is so low i go hating myself and curse myself for whatever reason i can find. i look at the mirror image of me and i go "you suck, nadiah".

your words hurt me deeply, and i don't know how i'm going to get back up again when i'm falling so hard now. why can't you just be more supportive of me? i look at YOUR life and i go "oh my what a happy life she has. why can't you guys be like that?" yea i know it's not good to compare your life with someone else's and instead i should think of the misfortunate and how lucky i am blahblahblah. but no i can't think of that right now. it's just too sad for me to handle. i'm depressed. please live me alone. i need the time to be alone. and though i'm trying so hard to think of something positive or something to cheer me up, i simply can't. nothing comes inside my head.

i'm sorry. oh what a depressing post. shit. i think i need a private blog again. this isn't the right place to pour out everything.

(9:58 PM)